this would be a good time to take the batteries out of the smoke alarms.
...about a lot of things. One recurrent theme is selfish and it revolves around a being a stay at home mom. Wondering what could have been? How successful would I have become in my career had I put the kids in daycare and then school?
And then once I get over my selfishness, I wonder about my children. Should I have put them in school?
And I look ahead to when my children are grown and have children of their own and wonder how they will raise them. Will they want to homeschool? Will they want me to help and would I be willing?
BN always said that had I continued on my path, I'd be running the company by now. But back to my questions? What would that mean for me? For my family?
And is that our goal in life? To be at the top of the company we work for? To "have it all". What does that get us in then end? Whether you believe there is an afterlife or you reincarnate or that there is nothing at all after death, why are we here and what are we doing?
I wonder about the purpose of life and realize that all of these concerns can be answered if I find that purpose.
the fire trucks should be bearing down on our house right about now.
I received, in the mail, a christian homeschool magazine. I don't know how I got it, but there is was and since I'm nosy and love to read, I decided to take peek inside. About half of the stories I skipped immediately. Stories about being a "help meet" and "subordinate to my husband" are not stories that interest me.
But one story, amid all the brainwashing, did use a few words I could understand. She spoke of the seasons of life and how one "can't retire now at age 30-something and then bear children at 60". And how the seasons of life are "fleeting".
To appease my wandering mind and answer my own questions, I feel like I'm where I need to be. While there is a tiny part inside me that wants all the recognition (blog much?), it is tiny and as the years pass, that need gets even smaller.
And rather than worry about what ifs of the future, I'll tend this season that I'm in and let the future seasons develop as they will.
~R
The what ifs can really suck all the joy from the actual now. I'm having a case of them myself right now, but going the other way and wondering if I can go back to homeschooling and being at home with the kids. But that isn't the way we've chosen to go.
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